If I controlled the Internet, you could auction your broken heart on eBay. Take the money; go to Amazon; buy a phone book for a country you've never been to call folks at random until you find someone who flirts really well in a foreign language. If I were in charge of the Internet, you could Map quest your lover's mood swings. Hang left at cranky, right at preoccupied, U-turn on silent treatment, all the way back to tongue kissing and good lovin'. You could navigate and understand every emotional intersection. Some days, I'm as shallow as a baking pan, but I still stretch miles in all directions. If I owned the Internet, Napster, Monster and Friendster.com would be one big website. That way you could listen to cool music while you pretend to look for a job and you're really just chattin' with your pals. Heck, if I ran the Web, you could email dead people. They would not email you back but you'd get an automated reply. Their name in your inbox it's all you wanted anyway. And a message saying, "Hey, it's me. I miss you. Listen, you'll see being dead is dandy. Now you go back to raising kids and waging peace and craving candy."