Studies have shown that poor communication is one of the main reasons couples seek therapy. So today I wanted to look at some of the mistakes people make in their interpersonal communication—the kinds of things that often lead to conflict. First of all, try to avoid 'directives' when talking to your partner—for example, 'you need to do this' or 'you should do this or that'. Most of us don't like to be told what to do, but, worse, this kind of statement tends to come across as a negative judgement. When you use 'you' with a directive, you seem to be making a personal attack. So, the other person becomes resentful or defensive, often retaliating with hurtful responses that accelerate the bad feelings on both sides. Another mistake to avoid is the use of universal statements that oversimplify your partner's behaviour—something like 'you always do this' or 'you never do that'. These types of statements are problematic for a few reasons: their underlying message is that you've given up expecting that the other person will ever change ... and that doesn't really encourage them to try to change. Also, it's easy to dispute these accusations by thinking of an exception. For example, if one person says 'you never wash up', the other one can contradict the statement by responding 'I washed up last week!'. This doesn't get at the root of the problem. To be an effective communicator—especially in relationships— you've got to be able to separate the person from the issue.